[ Change ]

what a strange strange world I think we live in.... how the power of the mind works its way throughout our lifetime... something that has continued to intrigue me year in year out is this notion of change...and the exact point that change occurs...

people always go on and on about how they remember the first time this...the first time that... the first time they fell in love with someone...the first kiss...the first day of high school... the first time you met someone...etc... (unless you are like me with a shonky memory and even some of the above is difficult to remember!)

ANYWAYS...

but do you remember the first time things changed....things ended?? take for instance the first time it was apparent that you and your best friend from primary school were no longer best friends...

or perhaps the first time you decided to stop talking to someone... the first time you didn't feel like you 'liked' that special someone anymore... the first time you grew apart from someone... the first time you let go of a loved on... the first time you found that the group of friends who were the be all and end all were not that anymore.... the first time that song was no longer your favourite anymore...that moment you decided that 'blue' (or whatever colour) wasn't your favourite anymore...the time you decided to throw aside....or replace someone... something... some event...a routine... the first time...that cruicial point of change...

there are always those big changes that you will never forget....like the day you graduated... or the first alcoholic drink... your wedding day... etc...

but what about those subtle changes that seem to occur over a 'period of time'.... where you either grew apart or grew closer to someone/something....

My excuse.... it just happens....

My 'formation of mental objects'....i have no idea.... but sometimes I wonder...

...was I the first one to stop calling everyday?
...was it me that decided you weren't my best friend anymore and found a replacement?
...what did i see to make me not have that song/that colour etc as my favourite anymore?
...does my mind just constantly decide each day to be indecisive and therefore I have this continual change in life?
...was I the one that stopped the regular meet ups?
...did you just not want to be friends anymore?
...was that group not really what I was after in 'friendship'?
...were you perhaps not a true friend to begin with?
...how come at that point in time it felt like our friendship was the strongest thing in the world?
...was it a mutual decision?

...how come sometimes it feels as if when things are great in life...this daunting world of change comes upon me...everyone tells me....(and I tell myself) that the change is always for the best and 'things happen for a reason'.... but what happens if there are points in my past that I really miss and really wished were still part of the routine that is Van's life...

Sometimes I just don't undestand the walks of life.... and I just sit and ponder...think...try to understand... this world of change...

If it were my way...
D....I would have never stopped calling you everyday after school
M/B...I would have never stopped our dinner outings
S...I would have appreciated our friendship more rather than laying onto you all my miseries
J/D...I would have taken that opportunity to rebuild our friendship when I was given that 2nd chance to
M...I would have kept you under my wing as my lil sis....so you didn't have to grow up by yourself
S...I would have been a better 'Chi' to you
V...I would do half the yelling and double the listening
P...I would have listened...........I would have believed....I would have stuck by your side
J...I would have tried alot harder...given our friendship my all....not care about anything else...


how is it that people tell you to not regret your past...when sometimes I just think... if only I tried harder....cared that lil bit more...took that extra step...rather than sit back and let life take its toll....

because there is alot in my past that I do truly miss....but I guess that is that whole concept of hindsight.....


So all this change...I do hope it is for the best.... ..... ..... time will tell I guess.....