[ Lost ]

And when I just stop...have time to myself...and think.... I wonder...is it really what I think it is....life that is.... so I am coping.... I get that part...but is it rude and selfish to say.... it still doesn't feel like it's enough?

Getting caught up in the world of uni and netball is time killing...but I don't know if it's enough.... but I guess I would go absolutely loopey without it.... but I also wonder sometimes if there was more... maybe it would be better... but then again....better than what.............................

[ When the Young Become More Wise than the Old ]

Over the past few days I have realised something.... there was a point in my life that I was always the young one...the immature one... the one that seeked help and advice and looked up to my elders as my role models....

Today... today I look at the same people I once looked up to... the same people who were my guide...my support....the one's that taught me so much in life.... to think.... hang on a minute.... I think in this instance.... I am now the wise one....

How strange that felt.... to the point I wanted to slap myself across the face and was astonished! To the point I got so frustrated because.... how do you tell the person you look up to that they are wrong?

Well... best (well worst) part was... I couldn't.... I bit my tongue and pretended that I agreed... and that they were right.......... to only go home and really really feel frustrated because it's just not right!!

How strange it feels when you question the ones you once looked up to....

But I guess it makes sense sometimes....

I was once told that you will be a sh*t coach if you think you are the best and you prance around thinking that those you teach will never be as good as you....and therefore a good coach is one who develops his/her students to be better than the coach him/herself....

So now I stand in that strange zone.... more than half your age.... and strangely.... wiser... with more knowledge.... but still have that 'younger than you' mindframe that just can't blurt out the words... I don't agree... I think different... and maybe this time.... my suggestion is the better one.............

Still learning in this weird and wonderful world...........

[ Lunar New Year ]

I have come to the conclusion to call it Lunar New Year...because why should I call it Chinese New Year when the Viet's celebrate it too!! And to be nice... I won't call it Vietnamese New Year... because that's just mean to the Chinese LOL!! So...Lunar New Year it is...

And what a strange one it was.... landing on the westernised 'Valentines Day'..... hmmm.. interesting...

My day started with an early drive to the city for work.... but I knew when I left I would be there way earlier than start time...so I had this quick thinking to go over to the wonderful Church of Mary MacKillop...what a better way to start.... well... my supposed 'New Year'.... seeing as the 2010 New Year was a strange one.... I was happy to pretend this was my so called 'new start':)

I was getting to that point where I did need her inspiration and guidance...so all in good time :)

Then I get to work to be greeted with 'so have you got a Valentinen today'... LOL! How good... but weird it felt.... so many thoughts running through my mind.... mixed emotions I guess...

ANYWAYS... so Lunar New Year...
the mark of my official new start.... I have given myself 31 + 13 days (Jan + 13days of Feb) to fart ass around and find my feet... that's enough isn't it? 44 days???

Sometimes I wonder though.... what does the future hold.... and sometimes it really worries me.... but I have been told over and over again to take it day by day.... so I am trying... and so far.... it has been good.... except the part I found out that uni is trying to get me to go Wollongong Hospital for my next prac!!!! after all that talking and paperwork to stay local... sigh.....

So now...again....I wait for the future to become the present.... for that determines one's mindset... headspace.... feelings and thoughts....

Happy Lunar New Year to all those who celebrate it!! as for Valentines Day.... bleh!!

Make the year of the Tiger a super-fantastic-awesome-successful year for me... PLEASE!!!!! (and for all those I care about too.. hehehehehe!!!)

[ Content ]

As strange as it sounds... I must say that for once in a very long long while I have felt that strange feeling of contentment .... finally....

And I think that has to do alot with the fact that I have a very different view...a different idea and understanding of 'contentment'... now whether I have manipulated that to suit my needs....or it is as it is.... I am not sure... but I know that I am ok... and I will get through all this... :)

Dictionary.com states
-->  'contentment'- "The state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind"
-->  'contented' - "to be content"
-->  'content' - "satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else"


I must say that I am satisfied and have ease of mind....but not wanting more or anything else....hmm???

I want alot more...and I do want a few additions to what I have now... but I am happy at the moment where I sit in my life...in this point of my timeline of life...if that makes any sense

I sat at home all morning today :) from waking up time until now...and will be here until approx 5:30 before I head to Rep Training...and I didn't think I would last...if anything... I thought I would go insane!!  It's strange how a little (or ALOT!!) of netball paperwork... netball admin...and more netball keeps me occupied for so long!!

Netball and food that is.... that's the hard part though.... being content.... makes me eat... ALOT!!! I think I put on a kilo today alone!!! Need one of those bad days now to even out the weight gain :) LOL

I was thinking this morning....why do people blog? why do I blog? why did I start to blog???
My answers
- People blog for so many different reasons....whether it is to show off their life... have somewhere to write their thoughts...share their ideas...or simply to pass time... the reasons are endless...
- For me... I blog because I look back....and I can see where my headspace was at at particular points in my life... and when I am ready to close that door in life...the blog disappears too....
- why did I start this time... because I am trying to find a new headspace... I am trying to create a new one... and where better to start than to sort through all the crap to arrive at contentment....

And I have now approached 'contentment' and will now enjoy the journey of contentment... and hopefully.... fingers cross from here on in...me and contentment.... (technically contentment and I =D) will be walking the same road for a long while... that peace of mind just makes life so much easier! so much more enjoyable! and makes that LITTLE BIT more sense....

Well...enough to keep me sane anyway :)

Well... here's to another weird blabbering blog that (sorry Jess!!!) is long-ish? =D

[ A Mum's Unconditional Love ]

How I always seem to forget how strong a mother's unconditional love truly is...

Today... with the morning off I decided to be a good daughter and spend some time with my mum...and even take her for a drive to Corrimal because she wants to desperately have her own bakery again and yes...there was a decent sounding one for sale down south... so as a good daughter I decided to be kind and take mum for the drive...

And I guess thinsg do happen for a reason. For the drive down and back we spent lots of time catching up and having those mother-daughter chats and how you feel that strong and ever so present unconditional love is just amazing!

Everyone will say that I am probably the most distant from my family... but everyone also knows that both my parents have this soft spot for me... more than the fact I am their daughter... and the youngest at that LOL... but my sisters especially would whinge about the idea that I am the most rebellious....most distant...least likely to be around...but yet... probably the one my parents will do anything for! =D

And I used to just laugh at it and take it to advantage...hehehe... but I think as I have grown up I have grown to realise that it's more than favouritism...it's this unconditional love that people speak about.

It's that constant want and urge to be in as much of my life as I will allow them...because the true reason why we are probably distant is because I don't give myself enough time to spend with them... and without that time...how can we be close?

But I thank mum for the chat today....because although I hate the fact she is almost always right... this time... I am happy to follow her desires and listen to her wise words.... because I know she just cares so much and worries about me everyday...

I know what I really need to do in next 18 to 24 months... and that is to help my parents be able to relax and only work because they want to....rather than they financially need to....

If there is sometime I know I can do well... that is work hard and earn some monies... I guess I just need to start diverting the money towards my parents now for all their unconditional love and support...rather than splurge it on short lived breaks/holidays and big shopping sprees in Melbourne LOL.... but forgive me ... because I won't GIVE UP the shopping sprees.... just cut them down... LOL

So this to my mum.... and my 2nd mum (my Ma).... thank you to you both... because Ma, you were there when I turned my back on Mum... and continue to be there through my tuoghest times...and Mum... you continue to welcome me back with open arms no matter what the case/event/issue is at hand...and even though it is sometimes a silent conversation... I know you love me and just worry about me... =D and I thank you both for that... =D

[ How Much is Enough? ]

People say sometimes you need to change...make adjustments for things to work... life to run smoothlly... for friendships to grow...for relationships to be strong... for life to go on....

But how much changing does one have to do? .... Is adjustments in yourself not changes to who you are? And don't people say also that you shouldn't change for someone... ??

LOL... it's funny how there are so many sayings in life...and when you pool them all together... so many contradict...hehehehehe....

still can't figure out this whole 'life'thing...

[ Change ]

what a strange strange world I think we live in.... how the power of the mind works its way throughout our lifetime... something that has continued to intrigue me year in year out is this notion of change...and the exact point that change occurs...

people always go on and on about how they remember the first time this...the first time that... the first time they fell in love with someone...the first kiss...the first day of high school... the first time you met someone...etc... (unless you are like me with a shonky memory and even some of the above is difficult to remember!)

ANYWAYS...

but do you remember the first time things changed....things ended?? take for instance the first time it was apparent that you and your best friend from primary school were no longer best friends...

or perhaps the first time you decided to stop talking to someone... the first time you didn't feel like you 'liked' that special someone anymore... the first time you grew apart from someone... the first time you let go of a loved on... the first time you found that the group of friends who were the be all and end all were not that anymore.... the first time that song was no longer your favourite anymore...that moment you decided that 'blue' (or whatever colour) wasn't your favourite anymore...the time you decided to throw aside....or replace someone... something... some event...a routine... the first time...that cruicial point of change...

there are always those big changes that you will never forget....like the day you graduated... or the first alcoholic drink... your wedding day... etc...

but what about those subtle changes that seem to occur over a 'period of time'.... where you either grew apart or grew closer to someone/something....

My excuse.... it just happens....

My 'formation of mental objects'....i have no idea.... but sometimes I wonder...

...was I the first one to stop calling everyday?
...was it me that decided you weren't my best friend anymore and found a replacement?
...what did i see to make me not have that song/that colour etc as my favourite anymore?
...does my mind just constantly decide each day to be indecisive and therefore I have this continual change in life?
...was I the one that stopped the regular meet ups?
...did you just not want to be friends anymore?
...was that group not really what I was after in 'friendship'?
...were you perhaps not a true friend to begin with?
...how come at that point in time it felt like our friendship was the strongest thing in the world?
...was it a mutual decision?

...how come sometimes it feels as if when things are great in life...this daunting world of change comes upon me...everyone tells me....(and I tell myself) that the change is always for the best and 'things happen for a reason'.... but what happens if there are points in my past that I really miss and really wished were still part of the routine that is Van's life...

Sometimes I just don't undestand the walks of life.... and I just sit and ponder...think...try to understand... this world of change...

If it were my way...
D....I would have never stopped calling you everyday after school
M/B...I would have never stopped our dinner outings
S...I would have appreciated our friendship more rather than laying onto you all my miseries
J/D...I would have taken that opportunity to rebuild our friendship when I was given that 2nd chance to
M...I would have kept you under my wing as my lil sis....so you didn't have to grow up by yourself
S...I would have been a better 'Chi' to you
V...I would do half the yelling and double the listening
P...I would have listened...........I would have believed....I would have stuck by your side
J...I would have tried alot harder...given our friendship my all....not care about anything else...


how is it that people tell you to not regret your past...when sometimes I just think... if only I tried harder....cared that lil bit more...took that extra step...rather than sit back and let life take its toll....

because there is alot in my past that I do truly miss....but I guess that is that whole concept of hindsight.....


So all this change...I do hope it is for the best.... ..... ..... time will tell I guess.....

[Better Today - Ne Yo]

... the one song that I must say really pulled me through the lows of lows in the last few weeks =D... gotta love NeYo...the RnB... hehehehe

"You see it all in my smile.You hear it all in my laugh. The way I walk, you hear me talk.And know I'm no longer sad. I got no reason to smile more now than I've ever had. I open up my eyes and realize that nothing's quite that bad...."


"I've got a different approach to dealing with emotion. Keeping control of my boat, while drifting on this ocean. Keeping my head to the sky, keeping tears out of my eyes. Unless happiness be the reason that I decide to cry. And life's too short to dwell on all that's wrong. Stand up now, stand up now and I promise not before long...."


"You'll be feeling better today. Much better today, much better today. So much better..."


"I know about down and out. I know about when it gets tough. Losing my fight, can't see the light. And you just wanna give up. I know about being depressed. By needing someone to love. I also know by standing up and saying enough is enough...."

...the main lyrics of the song which are so simple... but yet so meaningful....

[Welcome to the World of Blogging]

I guess it is a good time in life to delve into this world of blogging... what better than the time my mind wonders the most... what better than the time I feel I need to wipe away the face of confidence and 'i am ok and well', to simply let my 'formation of mental objects' become that of verbal...communicable existence...

To share with you...the world...what I once thought...was mere brainwork to be kept to myself...
To allow that co-existence of thought...feelings...words and actions...so they can meet in this interaction that is a tiny opening into the world that is me... something people tell me is so hard to truly see...

You see... I have learnt that I have this fierce confidence about me...whereby I can convince those around me that life is as best as it can be... that I am exactly where I want to be...that I know everything before me... in front of me...and in the world to come... I have this amazing (lol) ability to somehow pretend I know what the heck I am saying...doing... and that I am 'all good'...and I have always questioned why... why..when inside I feel the total opposite (how cliche LOL)...

I hit this big wall about 2 months ago...when I looked at life and thought... (excuse the terminology but) WTF !!! ... how can I have the best in the world of netball...the best in the world of work... the enjoyment and freeedom of still being a student...a concession... a wonderful family that is ever so supportive...loving and caring from all distances... and the blessing from a 2nd family who taught me the ways of life... and yet... in the darkest midst of the reality that is me... I was a foot away from depression...

and I look into what you call my past...my history.... and if there is one thing out of everything I must say you (you know who you are) were right about... I have had this empty hole for a long long time...I have battled the same questions...the same dilemmas...the same ol same ol... for years...

After reading 'Have a Little Faith' by Mitch Albom in half a day...I can finaly verbalise those thoughts...those feelings...everything (well most things) that float around in this strange strange mind of mine...

I have learnt....

1. Pain is an experience some endure more than others...so as to keep those that you love from bearing such pain
2. Love is a joy to experience...and something that provides through thick and thin...it involves the chance to argue...yell...say things you truly don't mean...and still be able to have the commonplace of knowing... knowing that unconditionally...they will always be there
3. People are not taken away from the world because some bigger being decides they are not worthy of a life... but simpy their time in your life to create opportunities and interations...tears...laughter and memories is up... because they have come to offer what they can....and it's time to share that with the next person
4. Religion is a mere interpretation... people's way of understanding...and it's ok to have different interpretations... it is ok to learn about new and different interpretations...but it is also ok to follow just one... the one that makes the most sense for you...provides for you....and does what religion is meant to do... give you that bridge between what is known to man...what is fact....and all those questions we all try to answer...even centuries of life...
5. the past should not dictate ones future...ones worthiness...because the past is a portrait of where they have been...not where they are going...the history of a person can be interpreted in many different ways... who then has the right to judge one on their past....

And something that Criminal Minds taught me many episodes ago...and something that I will never forget...and something I find a new aspect in life to apply it to EVERY TIME i see it...read it...hear it...think about it...am reminded about it....so I end this blog with it... as it is a quote I will forever live by.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." Rose Kennedy